Cracking the Code of Attraction: Unleashing the Dopamine Effect
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Introduction
We try to find quirky and interesting topics for our readers to delve into. This week we are writing about attraction. Our readers are generally a little bit older and we think the information we will share will be very helpful because many of you will fall into the three categories of –
1) still looking for Mr Right, the one to marry and maybe have babies with
2) moving on from a long-term relationship, hoping to meet a new partner
3) in a long-term relationship that has lost its spark and excitement
We’re basing this on a video by Brian Nox, who writes about attracting men, maintaining relationships and empowering women. The video is shown below. He talks about how women can sometimes engage in behaviours that actually put the man they are interested in off from pursuing them, and he goes on to highlight attractive habits that women can use, not just in the beginning, but right throughout the relationship to maintain his love and attention.
This article is written from a hetero-normative point of view but we are sure that these same principles can be applied in all relationship types.
The Dopamine Effect
Dopamine is released when we do things that make us feel good. We have high levels of dopamine during the attraction phase of a relationship but it is also needed to maintain long-term love, and is released when we spend time with loved ones and when we have sex.
The idea of men chasing after feelings associated with dopamine refers to the emotional and psychological responses that they experience when they are attracted to someone or engaged in an exciting exchange. Dopamine is a neurotransmitter that plays a crucial role in reward and pleasure systems in the brain. When a man is attracted to a woman, he feels a sense of pleasure, excitement, and anticipation, which can motivate him to pursue those experiences further. Essentially he is looking for the positive feeling that an interaction with you will give him.
Tip for a long-term relationship: don’t only wear sexy lingerie when you want to make love. From time to time, wear it in the morning before you leave the house and let him see you get dressed. That way you’ll be on his mind all day long!
Let’s now look in more detail at when and how a woman can elicit this dopamine response from her love interest.
- "F*ck Him!: Nice Girls Always Finish Single" by Brian Nox is a self-help relationship book that challenges conventional dating advice and empowers women to take control of their romantic lives.
- The book delves into the idea that many women who embody the traits of being too accommodating, understanding, and nurturing in relationships often end up in unsatisfying partnerships or alone.
- Brian Nox suggests that these so-called "nice girls" need to break free from traditional dating norms and expectations to find happiness and fulfillment.
Flirting and Playfulness
When a man is initially attracted to a woman, the interactions between them trigger the release of dopamine. This might lead to feelings of excitement, happiness, and a desire to spend more time with her. He might pursue her by arranging more dates, engaging in conversations, and trying to make a good impression.
Engaging in playful banter, teasing, and flirting with a woman can stimulate dopamine release. The exchange of witty remarks and light-hearted interactions can create a positive emotional response. This flirting and banter is often prevalent in the early stages of a relationship but can go out the window very quickly. And this is understandable as life has lots of pressures, especially when children arrive.
Helen Fisher, a US Anthropologist, did research showing that in order to keep the spark alive in a relationship, we need to maintain the habits that created the attraction in the first place. This means that we should continue to make an effort with our appearance, spend quality time together, make time for sex and have fun together.
Top tip for a long-term relationship – keep the playful banter going. Not every conversation needs to be serious. Make sure you laugh together regularly.
Receiving Appreciation
Showing genuine appreciation for a man’s efforts and actions can create a deeper emotional connection.
When a man’s efforts are appreciated and acknowledged by a woman, it triggers a dopamine response. He feels valued and rewarded for his actions, leading to feelings of satisfaction and happiness. This positive reinforcement can motivate him to continue putting in effort to the relationship with you to earn more appreciation.
So both things are needed – you need to let him do things for you and then show him appreciation. When a man likes you, he craves your acknowledgement and appreciation – and when you give this to him, it deepens your bond.
Top tip for the early stages: allow the man to pay for the first meal. It may be his way of saying he enjoyed the date and would like to see you again. Don’t take it for granted – make sure he knows you appreciate it. You can always offer to get drinks afterwards or get the next meal.
Creating Space & Missing
Giving a man space by maintaining hobbies, friends, and personal activities outside the relationship can make him miss the woman’s attention and keep him engaged.
When a woman gives a man some space and maintains her independence, it creates a scenario where he doesn’t receive constant attention. This temporary absence can trigger a sense of longing and anticipation, which are associated with dopamine release. As a result, he might actively seek out opportunities to spend time with her and experience those positive feelings again.
Often women can start off quite carefree and uninvested in relationships but as time goes by she becomes more invested and starts to revolve her world around him. This doesn’t work so well as you may not be giving him the space to miss you and you may also not be giving him the opportunity to do things for you. In the video, Brian says that this switch happens when the woman moves from wanting to needing the man.
Top tip for the early stages: only one person can be chasing in a relationship so make sure it is not you!
- The full book title is "Better Small Talk: Talk to Anyone, Avoid Awkwardness, Generate Deep Conversations, and Make Real Friends (How to be More Likable and Charismatic)"
- Through various examples and scenarios, the author guides readers on how to steer conversations beyond superficial topics and into more meaningful discussions.
- It also delves into the psychology of human interaction, explaining how body language, tone, and nonverbal cues contribute to successful communication.
- It teaches readers learn how to build rapport, establish connections, and cultivate genuine friendships, and emphasises the significance of authenticity and being one's true self while engaging with others.
Effective Communication
Nagless demands, which involve communicating standards and needs playfully instead of nagging or threatening, can create a challenge and maintain a man’s interest. This is a demand that is not needy and is delivered in a fun way. If the man likes you, the challenge you present will make him feel good and feel more inclined to want to make you happy.
Flirting and using playful banter are very useful tools because teasing your man a bit creates a challenge and dopamine effect, even in a long-term relationship.
Conclusion
We think that most of us have heard all the advice above in some form or other over the years – but are we implementing it? It is so easy to switch to feeling needy and attached in the early stages of a relationship and also easy to become complacent in long-term relationships.
So let’s implement these tips and see what happens. Let him do the pursuing, have him do things for us and show him our appreciation, have lots of flirting and banter, and deliver any demands we have in a fun but firm way.
What do you think about this advice? Have you tried it in your relationships? Do you think the advice is sexist or misguided? Let us know your thoughts!
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